Words from a Recently Diagnosed Introvert

What the Bleep Do We Know?

2005-10-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
- Albert Einstein

I’ll start off by stating that I was intrigued and challenged by the film. I had a few rolled-eye moments stomaching the journey of lead character, Marlee Martin, but all in all, the film left a profound impact on me.

Her journey (as it was displayed) was basically the path of least resistance/creative tension model; add some metaphysics, dose of chaos theory, a classic story line, and bunch of melodrama and you have Marlee’s quandary.

I understand and appreciate why the film was structured this way, ie, the necessity to reach a mass audience. But for me, I feel like the lead character’s melodrama and less than unique experience distracted from some of the subtler nuances. I was also slightly bothered by the “single-woman-in-her-thirties-as-basket-case” cliche.

That said, if I had created the film, I think I would have incorporated the story of a character who was struggling with a slightly more provocative, perhaps even darker reality. I would ask myself, “what is the most burning question people have regarding human consciousness?” and create a story based on that. Some of my answers might be, “why do bad things happen to good people?” or “why do good people do bad things?” or “why do I do good things, but think bad thoughts?”

From there I might build off the story of the Buddhist monk who conducted his daily meditation in front of an altar with a candle and two photos; one of Gandhi and one of Hitler. When asked by a Brother how he could possible have a photo of Hitler on his altar, he responded by stating, “I believe we must spend equal time meditating on our darkness as we do our light.”

In my film the main character may be a guard at a concentration camp during WWII, a Hutu soldier in Rwanda, an American soldier in Iraq, a National Guardsman in 1968, a corporate executive at Enron…someone truly struggling on an extreme scale with something I think we all struggle with on a daily basis.

After establishing my premise, I would have many of the same quantum physicists and meta-scientists support it in very much the same way, but again, with this emphasis on the duelisms of good/evil, right/wrong, light/dark, etc. I would ask questions of these experts like, “What are the elements and conditions that have created such fragmentation in our lives?” How can a killer feel so extricably disconnected from his victim? Why do we make decisions that will offer short-term benefit for ourselves, but create long-term harm for others? Where does revenge originate? What is evil?”

I think, that the film would then develop and thereby underscore many of the same profound points as the original, only with a slightly more raw and hard-hitting illustration to support the theories.

Some gals have all the luck?

2005-05-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

(Ok, just one more silly post before I sign off completely and enter into a quieter, simpler life of poverty, chastity and all the rest...)

What's up with Mary Kay LeTourneau?

The woman survives a completely fucked up and abusive childhood, gains a college degree, gets married, has a gaggle of kids, maintains a successful career as a teacher, rapes her twelve year old student, goes to prison, has their first child, continues having sex with him during her parole, goes to prison again for several years, has their second child which is immediately taken away from her, survives abuse in prison, teaches fellow inmates in several subjects, builds a prison library, withstands some of the most shameful and embarrassing public scrutiny, is completely cut-off from her kids, and then gets out of prison and heads straight back to the community from whence she came, appearing confident and happy; resembling a shorter version of Nicole Kidman, ie, absolutely glowing, stunning, graceful, with nary an age, stress, or stretch mark, and maintaining the ability to be articulate and compassionate in public - hardly looking the worse for wear - preparing for her upcoming wedding with aforementioned twelve year old and a reunion with her family.

Ok, is this woman the second Buddha or a very complex socio-path? Is this an extraordinary strength of character or a cleverly, yet thinly veiled smoking gun?

I mean, I wake up with a 1 1/2 glass of wine hangover, have one work deadline, someone leaps ahead of me to get the only empty seat on BART, and a boss offers me "constructive criticism," and I have ten more gray hairs, an ulcer flair up, and look like I've been hit by a truck, wishing I could just crawl back into bed or shrink in the corner - whatever is closest.

Disengaging and Unplugging

2005-05-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

Funny cultural phenomenon, blog communities.

There's a whole big, beautiful world out there.
I, for one, don't need another excuse to be in front of the computer.

Bye indefinitely.

This is the Happy Introvert signing off...

The American Foodscape

2005-05-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, Len Pickell, Martha Stewart, and Anna Ayala walk into a bar. Len orders a bottle of '97 Chateauneuf de Pape. Martha orders an imminently drinkable glass of new vine Merlot from the California winery trying to shatter the image that merlot is for novices and screw tops are for rednecks. Anna orders a Corona with lime.

Martha begins the conversation by letting the other two know what their expectations can be of prison food...

Someone else want to pick this up? Someone far wittier than me? I think there's fodder here for something HILARIOUS. I just don't have what it takes to pull it off.

I'm great at vision, not so great at execution.

Can't get enough

2005-05-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

For those of you who didn't get the full flavor the first time around, I'll give it to you again http://www.americawestandasone.com/video.html. This time without the glorious whistles and bells and brainwashed children on the website, just the dude with bad 80's haircut belting out the tune of the decade.

Play particular attention to his emphasis on the word "One".
Now you try - "Wah-Un".

It is disturbing how much he looks like the Dad from "Sweet Hereafter", remember - the one who has sex with his daughter?

Puke and Awe

2005-04-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

As if I wasn't already nauseous enough from returning late last night from a nearly week-long ag conference in DC where one of the main topics of much discussion was the very legitimate concern of the Walmartization of our food supply and factoids and visual depictions of the current conditions of factory farms that would make Upton Sinclair roll over in his grave...

As if I wasn't already nauseous enough from no days off in over two weeks, an average of 3-4 hours of sleep/night in the last week and the over-consumption of bad conference center coffee, refined sugar, bleached flour, and sub-par wine...

As if I wasn't already nauseous enough from having to get up early this morning for a three hour cadaver anatomy lab wherein the cadavers had most of their facial features, hands, feet, and body hair still in tact and the smell of formaldehyde and raw meat was so strong you could taste it...

...I returned home and someone had sent me this via email

You'll find me pale and sunken, curled up in a fetal position in a state of dismay, experiencing the occasional dry heave.

6 Degrees of Hutu

2005-04-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Some strange and serendipitous things have happened in the last couple of weeks:

1) The pope dies and I have visions of him in my periphery
2) I get re-inspired to listen to lots of Ricki Lee Jones
3) I unwittingly rent "Hotel Rwanda" within a few days of the 11th anniversary of the 1994 genocide
4) I discover that Ricki Lee Jones has a link on her website to photos taken during the genocide, by a photographer friend of hers
5) I learn that the Rwandan people are 90% Catholic
6) Several members of the Rwandan Catholic diocese - priests, bishops, and nuns condoned and even aided in the killing of Tutsis and moderate Hutus.
7) The Vatican chose not to excommunicate most of the aforementioned
8) The Pope hadn't visited Rwanda since 1990
9) I rediscover that in 1984, ten years prior to the genocide, Ricki Lee Jones recorded a song called, "Theme for the Pope"
10) In the '30s the Pope enrolled in a theater arts program to study playwrighting

Weird.

I'm pretty sure that if I did some more stealth research I would come up with some evidence that Ricki Lee Jones had an affair with Don Cheadle. Or that she's the Pope's love child. One of the two.

Hope Springs Eternal

2005-04-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

It smells like spring and I have hope.
I'm not sure it's eternal.
It's a work in progress.

Ricki Lee Jones

2005-04-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to her?

She was the perfect female vocalist. A fair combination of Joni Mitchell (only hipper), Nina Simone (only more eclectic), and Lhasa (only...well, Lhasa is pretty close to perfect). She hasn't released an album since 2002 and hasn't toured in like the last decade. I hope her manager doesn't let her re-release "Gravity" one more time or she might lose me as a fan.

I consider Pop Pop to be her most brilliant album. For anyone out there who has written Ricki Lee Jones' music off for one reason or another, give it another try - buy this album. I guarantee you'll find something on it that gets right under your skin.

However, I did find this interesting link on her website that gives me hope she has moved on and is doing some really interesting things with her life, or at least supporting and promoting people who are.

Papal musings

2005-04-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

A strange thing happened last night, the night of the day Pope John Paul died. I returned home from my yoga teacher training, exhausted and a little uncomfortable in my skin, and couldn't stop seeing visions of the Pope in the periphery, both with my eyes opened and closed.

Now, I wasn't particularly moved by the passing of the pontiff. I am not Catholic, wasn't raised Catholic, and have no desire to be Catholic, so it wasn't that kind of guilt-ridden haunt. In fact, and most certainly unfairly, I hear of the Pope's long-term illness and passing, and immediately think, "maybe this will make room for a slightly less sexist, homophobic, dogmatic individual to step into the coveted Cloth."

However, at the same time I think about how much he and I don't have in common - and the list is long: his stubborn, unwavering pro-life stance, his antiquated notion about women in the priesthood, his rampant anti-gay pontification, his virtual disregard for Central American Catholics and their pleas for help in their social justice efforts during too many bloody civil wars (too many of them aligned with seemingly Marxist revolutionary groups), his wholesale rejection of Liberation Theology, picking and choosing which military conflicts he would use his influence to condemn, the punitive wrath he wielded when anyone disagreed with him, etc, etc, -I remember that when he visited Cuba, he publicly scolded the US for the inhumane nature of the embargo. He also stepped into the Palestinian/Israeli crisis without a Catholic agenda, seemingly preaching nothing more than peace. He was apparently an avid outdoors/sportsman who, in the early days of his priesthood, would take youth on hiking, canoeing, and camping trips in hopes of making a connection via the natural world. And, he let Mother Theresa do her slightly more progressive thing without public condemnation.

I guess there are a few areas of common ground on which the Pope and I could have had an intelligent conversation. Maybe he was passing through just to remind me of this.

Fungi Love

2005-03-25T09:37:00.000-08:00

I love mushrooms. I love mushrooms so much that yesterday I went to a special mushroom store and spent $15 on a handful of the most scrumptuous mushrooms I've ever eaten. They are called King Trumpets and are the most meaty, flavorful 'shrooms ever.

But I love 'em all: Shiitake, Oyster, Maitake, Portabello, Bear's Head, Button, Tree, those little tiny stringy white ones whose name I don't remember. The more exotic, the better. The more resembling a nasty moldy growth, the better. I feel woodsy and earthy when I eat them. I feel closer to the dirt.

The SF Board of Supervisors named April 1 Far West Fungi Day after the local mushroom farm by the same name. This day is meant to honor these local heroes for their invaluable contribution to our culinary intelligence and feeling of deep connection to the dirt.

I can't help it

2005-03-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

This guy's writing is just too good to go unnoticed by any of you. Here's just a tiny blurb from today's column...

"...Do you see? This means that the war in Iraq is a good thing, because war brings us closer to the Final Conflict. War is what God wants. And nature, that pathetic and disposable handmaiden to humankind's happy bloodlust, is merely the fuel, the playpen, for that happy eventuality. Earth is but a finite resource given by God to humanity and meant to be all used up as fast as possible and the faster we use it all up the sooner Jesus comes. Just like Santa..."

I highly recommend reading the whole thing: Why Does God Hate Caribou?

Perfect PMS Food

2005-03-18T12:52:00.000-08:00

Roasted Sweet Almonds

Try this sure-fired, guilt-free way to kick the PMS cravings, get the protein you need, and give your mouth a taste orgasm:

1) Spread a few handfuls of almonds on a baking sheet

2) Douse with a good quality olive oil

3) Coat with a unrefined, unprocessed sweetener, like Agave or honey

4) Bake for 15 minutes at 400' or until very dark brown

5) Let cool

Enjoy!

Reminder

2005-03-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

In case you thought things might be getting better, I'll disavow you of that notion right now by presenting to you the first three names of the 20 partisan judges re-nominated by GW, and a description of the kind of god's work they've been involved with in their long and loathsome careers...(courtesy of MoveOn.org)

1) William Myers III has never been a judge and spent most of his career as a lobbyist for the cattle and mining industry. He has written that all habitat conservation laws are unconstitutional because they interfere with potential profit. In 2001, Bush appointed him as the chief lawyer for the Department of the Interior. In that role he continued as a champion of corporate interests, setting his agenda in meetings with former employers he promised not to speak with, and even illegally giving away sacred Native American land to be strip mined.

2) Terrence Boyle was a legal aide to Jesse Helms. As a judge, his signature decisions have attempted to circumvent federal laws barring employment discrimination by race, gender, and disability. His rulings have been overturned a staggering 120 times by the conservative 4th District Court of Appeals, either due to gross errors in judgment or simple incompetence.

3) William Pryor Jr. served as Attorney General of Alabama, where he took money from Phillip Morris, fought against the anti-tobacco lawsuit until it was almost over, and cost the people of Alabama billions in settlement money for their healthcare system as a result. He called Roe v. Wade "the worst abomination of constitutional law in our history," and has consistently argued against the federal protections for the civil rights of minorities, lesbian and gay couples, women, and the disabled.

In other words

2005-03-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Perhaps an alternate title to my last blog entry should be,
"A Day in the Life of a Whiny Western Yuppie".

You can't win for losin'

2005-03-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday:

MCI (worst company ever) calls to tell me they've sent our account to a collection agency. After much ill-exerted anxiety and argument, it's their fault.

I shatter a glass candle holder.

I have my interview with EDD regarding part-time unemployment benefits. I disqualify myself by stating I'm currently enrolled in a training program which may cut into the traditional 40 hour work week. My application is thrown out and I have to apply again in a month - and lie better.

I go to my car and have a ticket.

I'm at an intersection with my foot on the brake. I reach down to get my toll money from my purse. My foot slides off the brake. I rear-end the 60ish African American woman in front of me.

I go to a discount sporting goods store to buy more much needed yoga tops. The fitting room is full of fluorescents. Enough said.

I go to the dentist for the most painful cleaning of my life. I'm told, once again, that I don't floss enough, need a mouth guard, and my gums are in terrible shape. I'm expected to return next week for a more thorough cleaning; one that will require Novicain.

I go to a lingerie store to exchange a bra. The fitting room is full of fluorescents. Enough said.

I go to my therapy appointment and have run out of things to say 30 minutes into it. I write a check for $95.

I return home to a venomous email from my mother.

I fall asleep on the couch and roll over onto my glasses, bending them out of shape.

Thankfully today is a much different day.

Who needs credentials?

2005-03-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

So Bono is in the running to be the new President of the World Bank, eh?
Why?

Because he's a nice guy? Because he's a good musician? Because he spent a twenty seconds of his life contemplating the human rights, AIDS, and economic development crises in Africa then proceeded to throw his money and clout to a few aid organizations?

How does being a rock or movie star give one the credentials needed to be an ambassador to a developing country or the head of the most influential economic development body in the world?

Is it really enough to be Angelina Jolie and passionate about refugee orphans in Cambodia to make you the highest ranking diplomat to a country with incredibly complex socio-political and economic issues within a larger conflict zone?

I don't get it.

I mean I get the part about needing A-list celebrities to take up the gauntlet of a cause to call mainstream attention and attract funding. (I mean I'm fine with the fact that Glen Close was invited to the World Social Forum and I wasn't.) What I don't get is what anyone thinks Bono or Angelina Jolie know about poverty, politics, or the complex world of international development. I mean, really, take away their hollywood cache and I'm not sure what would stand up in an job interview.

Oh, Canada

2005-02-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

What's not to like about that country?

As I yearn to take a mini-vacation, I was thinking fondly back to the solo vacation I took to Vancouver and Whistler, British Columbia last year. It's true. Canadians are supremely nice people. And, despite the "aw shucks" personae, I think they're actually quite intelligent to boot.

They take great pains to make sure that we know they don't hate us, they hate Bush. Unless you voted for Bush, then they just think you know not what you do and act saddened that the whole thing is so coercive and your too ignorant to recognize it.
Condescending, yes. But Canadian condescension stings so much less than, say, French.

I think they also take some discrete pleasure in seeing the US crumble under its own sick obesity. But I'm sure they express it in a very nice way.

They stake claim to Neil Young, Paul Robeson, and David Suzuki to name a few fine Kanuks. Quality individuals - all.

And, the birds! Oh, the birds! British Columbia boasts the highest concentration of nesting bald eagles in the winter, in the world. It's a source of pride because, you know, the bald eagle is the US national symbol and all.

Even the birds have flown the coop.
Why haven't I moved there yet?

Feeling Fatalistic

2005-02-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

Hunter Thompson killed himself on Sunday. On Monday, I was glancing through a book on Industrial Ecology and unwittingly opened up to a chapter that begins with a quote from Hunter Thompson. The essence of the quote is basically that we're slowing killing ourselves.

Is Hunter Thompson's suicide a canary in the coalmine?

When the most sophisticated subversive voices of our time brutally waste themselves it makes you wonder if they can predict something the rest of us can't.

Or, maybe he was just a paranoid drug addict who for a long time had a threadbare hold on life and with a little rehab, therapy, and yoga would have lived and written for another 20 years.

Whatever it is, it's sad. I think I can confidently say that these days journalism schools aren't churning out that quality of muckraker.

Tweedy or Farar?

2005-02-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

Up until recently ever since Uncle Tupelo broke up, I've struggled with this question.

You'll notice that I'm not framing it with the wholesale question, "Wilco or Son Volt?" because I really think it comes down to which individual you like better. While I've been partial to Son Volt's power-to-the people anthems and Jay Farar's sexy voice, I can't say I dislike Wilco. Who can dislike a band that collaborates with Billy Bragg to resurrect Woody Guthrie's never before recorded work?

Similarly, I adored the David and Goliath story as presented to us in film made about Wilco during the recording of their best-loved album.

However, in that film, I couldn't stand Jeff Tweedy. He was such a quintessential spoiled boy-brat, playing the innocent and pure victim who's head and heart have been sullied by "the man." Thus, he had to cleanse himself and while the rest of the band stayed back and did real work, he took off on a few-city acoustic tour to get his soul back. During the tour, reporters and other fans would try to get a piece of him and he played the untouchable artist diva, who would say completely incomprehensible things and then walk away before the interview was done.

Oh gag me. Jeff, you're no new kid on the block. You know the business and you know it well. You've used it to your advantage for years. You were playing a role for this documentary further branding your image to suit what will sell.

So, Grammys be damned. Jay Farar has my loyalty from now on.

There will be wrong and there will be right

2005-02-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

As the great poet and well-known introvert, Jay Farrar once mused:

"Guard your optimism, but never become cynical."

This is how I feel about turning 35.

And to further support the theme, I give you Medicine Hat by Son Volt:

::::::::::::

There will be droughts and days inundated
unveilings free from saturation
departures raised with no masquerading.
There will be teachers that die by their own hand
pundits that push headlong for atonement
friends and followers devoted to living.
There will be watchers that plot from in confines
and those committed to society's circles
unwary cogs with no cadence or virtue.
There will be right, there will be wrong.

Drop of the hat and it's already started
Just like that and the deed is done
What I'd give for the hat to be medicine
The time is now to be on the run.

There will be machinations unforeseen
sleepwalking sense from a bad dream
no promenade walk in the parkway.
There will be catchwords filled with infection
circulars to prop up occasion
a golden mean to guide the footsteps.
There will be levels on high hills that appraise
there will be unchanging certainties
barometers that follow the stampede.
There will be right, there will be wrong.

Drop of the hat and it's already started
Just like that and the deed is done
What I'd give for the hat to be medicine
The time is now to be on the run.

There will be signposts of indication
semaphore ghost signs and warnings
hailstone halos and country-blues wailings.
There will be strains that break out of straight time
but paid with grace, taking roads to the same place
with consequence to repay what's been given.
There will be layers of means to an end
drawn-out days before resolution
dregs will rain down from all directions.
There will be right, there will be wrong.

Drop of the hat and it's already started
Just like that and the deed is done
What I'd give for the hat to be medicine
The time is now to be on the run.

35

2005-02-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

I'm 35 today, February 4th.
I guess this number is some sort of milestone.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, yet.
Check back later and maybe I'll have landed on something.?

Huh? Priorities?

2005-02-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

So, I recently learned that the $8 billion Bush just requested from Congress to continue killing Iraquis, American soldiers, and any of the good will our allies may still be able to muster for us, is 17 times higher than the EPA's entire annual budget.

Didn't we just discover that it was all a ruse; there were no WMDs, Saddam really wasn't a threat, and there was absolutely no justification for the pre-emptive strike whatsoever?

I don't get it.

In psychotherapy terms I think we would be considered enablers. I'm pretty sure there are twelve step programs for our problem.

Best.Dog.Blog.Ever

2005-01-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

So, when I'm too lazy to express my own musings, I promote others.
Like this one:

http://automatedredemption.com/flavorcountry/dogblog/index.html

The only problem with this Blog is that there are no photos of MY DOG.
I can only hope that the writer came up with this brilliant idea and started taking photos of dogs in my old neighborhood in San Francisco AFTER we moved to infinitely cooler hood in Oakland.

If MY DOG and I find out that's not the case, there will be trouble.

But, in the meantime - enjoy!

Do I look like I'm old enough to have a 16 year old?

2005-01-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

And that's only the first question I wanted to ask the loan officer at the Credit Union.

Greg and I were in the Credit Union inquiring about car loan interest rates. We weren't particularly dressed up or adult looking. I think Greg had managed to shave and I had just put my hair up in a matronly bun because I'm having a challenged hair day. But, for the most part Greg's ratty bike messenger bag and my snug fitting Diesel jeans and teeny bopper plastic purse should have put us somewhere in the under 40 age group.

When asked how much we were planning to spend on a new-to-us car, we responded with what I guess was a shockingly low number because the loan officer proceeded to look at us for a few seconds, state, "you know you can't get a loan for a car older than '96" and then ask with an ah-ha exclamation, "oh, is the car for your son?"

Lady there is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.

Do girls not drive cars this decade?

What are you on salary or commission? What do you care?

And this just a short three weeks before my 35th birthday. Way to go, moron loan officer.

If she hadn't given us such a killer interest rate, I may have gauged her eyes out.

Bill Moyers is a Sensible Man - Oops

2005-01-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm an idiot, it's a hoax.
No organized consumer boycott happening that day.
Perhaps a good idea, nonetheless.

And a much more eloquent writer than me, so here you go:

Subject: From Bill Moyers re: inauguration

Not one Damn Dime Day

When there was a break in the storm...

2005-01-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

we saw some pretty magnificent sites.

Like this one:
Just before dusk a pair of bald eagles were in their fishing posts on a lake - one in a dead tree, one on a rock. Their white heads stuck out against the lush green of the foothills. At the same time a stunning sunset is rolling through its swatch of pastels - orange, purple, pink - over the lake and the deep grey storm clouds still linger in the sky behind me. Suddenly one eagle takes off and within a half second the other follows.
They soar majestically as the sunset gets lower. And as the light disappears, so do they, into the horizon.
Soon it starts to rain again.

This couple was two of the four eagles we saw that week.

Complete raptors and others index:
4 bald eagles - three adults, one second year
34 red tail hawks
5 coopers hawks
8 herons
4 kites

This is what an introvert does for kicks and stimulation.

Baptized into 2005

2005-01-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

For 5 1/2 days we camped in torrential downpours and unseasonably cold temps.
To the uninitiated this would sound like a really stupid thing to do.

But, let me tell you - it was glorious and to those of you out there who've done it - you know what I mean.
To be so out of ones element and so close to the elements is transcendent.

Once I gave in to the wet and cold, I felt as though all the sins and sadness of 2004 were just washing away. I was molting; shedding baggage and badness. Pretense - be gone!

I fell asleep at 10pm on New Year's Eve, shivering in my tent. At 11:58, my friends woke me up and handed me a glass of soggy champagne. I danced around the barely there fire in my long johns and enjoyed every drop of that cheap champagne as big drops of rain plunked into my plastic cup.

The next afternoon we packed up our mud-caked belongings and headed for our home in the built environment. We hadn't gotten too far before the skies opened up and the sun shone for a few minutes - just long enough for us to be greeted by a double-sided rainbow.

PS....Never underestimate the power of the season

2004-12-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

I called that Bush-lover Mother of mine today.

We were both well-behaved.

It was the right thing to do.

Peace.

I know what you're thinking...

2004-12-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

"After a month of blogger silence, what the hell is she doing online on xmas eve?"

I know, I know.
I just logged on to wish you and yours a peaceful and restful holiday weekend.

Slow down. Speak calmly. Move gracefully. Be good to each other.

Gratefully yours,
Rigmor

Lazy as Fuck

2004-12-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

Laziness is definitely one of, ie the only, legitimate excuse I can use for my blogger silence.

I have got to be the world's laziest motherfucker.
Seriously.

I cut corners like no bodies business. I only half do things, finish almost nothing, and spend more time dealing with the fallout and consequences of my mediocre attempts at everything, than on making things good the first time around.

How beautifully inefficient.

The holidays highlight this fact more than any other time of year, if for no other reason than the painful realization that as I sit hear agonizing about the negative balance in my bank account, I can't help but remember that only a short month ago I had a grand plan of making several clever crafty gifts in, what would come to be known as, an ill-fated attempt to save more and spend less.

Maybe I could redeem myself and knit a nice cushy pillow - one I can use to soften the blow as I sit in bankruptcy court.

To all my reader(s)...

2004-12-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

I just want to say I'm sorry for leaving you all hanging for over a month.
I don't know what happened. I just wasn't feeling it.
I mean, I wasted enough time at work reading other people's blogs, I can't use that as an excuse.

But, you'll be happy to know that in the holiday madness, I've found inspiration once again.

The introvert is back, baby.

I hope to give you a fresh, new bunch of introverted sarcasm, self-depricating, uncomfortable psycho-babble, existential nonsense, and progressive dogma.

Stay tuned...

GW, Condi, Rumsfeld, would you kindly step down

2004-11-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Someone make a motion to put the dogs in charge. Please.
We would be so much better off.

Condi is going to replace Colin

2004-11-15T17:48:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness.

We shan't have a care in the world now.

The troops should be coming home lickety split.

Red

2004-11-12T17:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon time, back before the Nov 2, 2004 election, "red" meant something totally different in the political context than it means now.

The recently coined phrase "red zone" has been applied to a whole geographic swath of people and places that couldn't be further from the "red" I know:

Red Army
Red Guard
Red Diaper Babies
Litte Red Book
etc, etc.

I wonder how those pro-privitization of everything, anti-national healthcare, Walmart shopping, Denny's eaters feel about being affiliated with "the commie color?"

Or maybe it's all a ruse.
Maybe "moral majority" is code for something else!
Maybe "red zone" means absolutely what I would want it to mean!!
Maybe there's a revolution brewing!!!
Maybe all is not lost after all!!!
Maybe I can believe in my fellow Americans!!!

Maybe this is the least likely conspiracy theory ever.

Ginger

2004-11-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

I don't peel my ginger when I include it as a primary ingredient in my cooking.
I don't know why.

Maybe it's an introvert thing.

Or, maybe it's just plain culinary laziness.

Yeah, for sure laziness.

Blame the body mass

2004-11-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

While doing research today I stumbled across a CDC website mapping the US obesity trends over the last two decades.

The red states have progressively gotten fatter than the blue over the years.
In fact three of the red states are currently made up of 25% of the people weighing in at more than 30 lbs overweight for their height average.

This explains so much.

Dog spelled backward...

2004-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

Dogs are our best teachers.

They look deep into our eyes, cut through all the bullshit, and see our most vulnerable truth. They try to help us realize that truth by giving us unconditional love and compassion

Yesterday I had the priviledge of going to the "Pet Adoption Festival" in LA.
I learned that in LA county alone, there are over 700 dogs euthanized every week.

Why do we kill our teachers?
Do we think we have nothing more to learn?

Fourth on my to do list was...

2004-11-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

apologize to the rest of the world for this farce.

I'll get that one out of the way right now.

To much of Europe, Russia, Asia, Canada, Australia, Central America, South America, Africa, the Middle East (especially Iraq) -- to all the dozens of major world nations who want Bush out of office almost as much as the thinking people of America, to you we can only say: We are so very, very sorry. We don't know how it happened either. It didn't resemble any democratic process we were raised to believe in. For tens of millions of us, Bush is not our president and never will be.

That's how divisive - that's how dangerous - that's how very sad it has become.

The days are just packed

2004-11-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've risen from the ashes of despair.
I've had my 1 1/2 days of mourning.

Now, the first thing I have on my to do list for tomorrow is
"Boycott all goods and services from Ohio."

The second thing on the list is, "Buy Mrs. Edwards a get-well card."

The third thing, "Call mean nasty republican Bush-lover mother because you've intentionally avoided it for a month."

Hmm. I might put off the third one a little longer.

The email I sent at 7am PT, November 3, 2004

2004-11-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

So for a couple of years now something that has taken me through a
series of personal ups and downs and professional losses is the hope that on this
date, November 3, 2004, with enough blood letted, sweat sweated, and
tears wept, we would be waking to the dawn of a new day.

What we've woken up to is the very real possibility that this nightmare
isn't over and promises to get much worse over the next fours, with
little end in sight for the future of the GOP thereafter.

However, we've also woken up to the fact that Senator John Kerry is only
2 electoral college points behind the Demon. When I went sleep, the gap
was much wider. Granted, the popular vote gap is still very wide, and
perhaps last week at this time I was cursing the electoral college, but
at this point - I'll take it.

There's still a chance. Several of the provisional voters are
democratic/progressive leaning. They tend to be younger, more transient,
renters and others who went to the closest poll they could find in which
to cast their vote - more often than not, for Kerry.

What I'm requesting is that any and all of you with an ounce of
spiritual/metaphysical/religious belief in your system, find it, dust it
off if you haven't used it in a while, and call it in - now.

Pray silently, pray loudly, pray alone, pray communally.

Do something you haven't done since you were 10, ie make promises with
well meaning intention - "please god, if you just let the provisional
ballots be counted in John Kerry's favor, I promise I will never again
(insert a true sacrifice here)..."

I believe that we woke the spirits during the Day of the Dead march and
altar ceremony last night. I could feel it.

They're here and they're pissed.
Let's collectively give them a task.

We need nothing short of a miracle because right now - in these next few
days - there is nothing more that any mortal can do to change what is -
except ask the universal energies to cut us a break and deliver us from
this darkness.

There's a lot at stake.

What do you have to lose at this point?

Light a candle, close yours eyes, take a walk, and make an intention.

Thanks.

This is the email I sent at 2pm on November 3, 2004

2004-11-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

I have to say, my spirit is weary...blah, blah, blah

I deleted the rest of this one because I was tired of going back and re-living that fateful afternoon. Here's the gist of what this post once said:
"It sucked. I'm sad. I hate everyone."

Ok, time to move on.

Introverts for Kerry

2004-11-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

Unite!

Here's a few ways to get involved in the 11th hour:

http://partyforamerica.org/phone/
http://action.moveonpac.org/gotv/

Don't scoff at 11th hour participation. If you recall in 2000, the election was determined by a little over 500 votes. Every single call could make a huge difference.

Oh, and whatever you do, play hooky tomorrow.
This is history in the making, folks. Be a part of it.
Be with your people, your possy, your dog.

If there was ever a day to NOT be a wonk or a drone, it's tomorrow.
For crying out loud, I have French friends who are taking the day off.

Get out there. If you don't want to do election stuff, do something that makes you feel alive and hopeful and true.

Peacocks don't talk

2004-10-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am a peacock this year for Halloween.
I went to a party last night and was clearly the belle of the ball.

I didn't want to actually talk to anyone. I just wanted people to look at me and admire my brilliantly crafted costume.

When I had to actually speak, I found that I didn't have much to say, and frankly, neither did the people speaking to me.

I think we should all talk less and listen and ogle more.

Spoken by a true introvert.

My Hero

2004-10-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

Mark Morford is a god. No two ways about it.
I wish I could write like him, run-on sentences be damned.
He's an introvert too.

http://sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

So many misconceptions, so little time

2004-10-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

Misconception #1: I'm excited about whoring myself to another rich, white male this morning for a measly portion of his millions to keep my organization, that's cleaning up the mess that his organization has made of the world, above water.

Misconception #2: I need another cup of coffee.

Misconception #3: My boss is a straight shooter

Misconception #4: I can get away with not ironing my shirt today

Misconception #5: I can afford to go to France for the holidays

Accordion

2004-10-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

So, this is what happens when an introvert poses as an extrovert:
when it's time for lay offs and cut backs, the extrovert poser doesn't get the ax, but rather a promotion, because "we can't do it without ya, kid."

The introvert is secretly saying to herself, "shit, I really wanted to be laid off, collect unemployment for a few months, and then move to France to be a gardener and play accordion."

The extrovert fake, however, responds confidently with, "yes, of course. I completely understand your difficult position and doing more with less is actually my forte. Whittling a 14 person staff down to seven is a tough decision, but someone had to do it and ultimately it's better for all of us. I'll go out and begin presenting this entirely new strategy next week. Thank you for this challenging opportunity."

The introvert continues to talk secretly to herself, "Why me? I'm just a procrastinator who bullshits well. Why didn't you let the pregnant women keep her job? Or the mother of two? Or the sole bread winner who supports her grad student fiance? Or the person who works 80 hr weeks and produces more than all of us put together? I'm a fake!

My boss likes me as an extrovert. Would she still like me as an introvert?

Waking up an Introvert

2004-10-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, I have lived three full days now officially as an introvert.
I have to say, I'm seeing the world through a slightly different lens.

I'm finally witnessing the fundamental duality of the human species - introvert vs extrovert.

Extroverts are energy suckers and introverts are energy givers - suckers vs givers.

My favorite past-times are: playing with my dog, reading, gardening, watching esoteric foreign flicks, being underwater for long periods of time, yoga, and climbing mountains.

I've taken the leap

2004-10-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

After months of procrastination, I finally have a blog.
This is partly due to the fact that this week my therapist, with complete certainty, diagnosed me as an introvert.
I had always thought I was an extrovert.

But I'm not. Maybe that's why being an extrovert felt so shitty; because I'm not one.
But I thought I was.

I'm relieved.
This explains so much.

This blog is the quiet celebration of beginning of my life as introvert.

Welcome to the musings of a recently diagnosed introvert.